Me, Myself and Lies

Here I am again, battling Satan for the thoughts in my head. He is doing everything he can to convince me that I am nothing to no one. It's been a really hard week. It seems rather heartbreaking that days after we are supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior that it can seem like it never happened. I have done a lot of grieving this week over a lot of things and it has just knocked me down over and over again. I guess it's that after Christmas depression that people talk about, but for me, it's something I deal with all year. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very hard on myself and don't view myself as a worth while or valuable person. I've dealt with it most of my life. It's an area that Satan has such a hold on that every time I try to give it to God it just doesn't sink in. When I do give my thoughts to God, I feel so on top of the world, but that only lasts for a day or two because then, something happens and I'm right back to my old ways. Yesterday, I hit rock bottom in this moment of Satan induced self-loathing and I had had enough.

So, I went to the book case in our room, trying to find anything to do with God that would give me a little encouragement. I came across this Bible study that I bought at another time such as this and decided to start diving into it again. This post is in no way an endorsement of said Bible study (which this post is titled after) because sometimes it is a little on the cheesy side, but I like the idea of it. It is basically telling women to take their thoughts and fill them up with God's. So, whenever we start to worry or get down on ourselves, we should change the course of those thoughts to what God tells us in His Word. Isn't that what we are supposed to do anyway? We are supposed to let God's Word fill up our hearts and lives. I know I need more than a Bible study to change the way I think. I need God to speak to me and maybe this is how it will finally break Satan's hold on me!

Ramblings

I don't really know where to start other than it's been a difficult few months for us. I'm still struggling just to find a good balance between wife, mother, and employee. I love being at home with Logan, but there are a lot of times I wish that were my only job again. A couple of days out of the week, I can barely function, let alone be really attentive to my little boy. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my job requires me to be on my feet a lot. It's been 4 months and my body still isn't handling the job very well. My dream job has always been a desk job, like a receptionist. It's not because I'm lazy, believe me, I'm not. It's just that I have always enjoyed those tasks that others would find boring. I like working on the computer, filing papers, making copies, just anything like that. I also don't like not being here at night with my husband. There is just something about being with my family at night that is so precious to me. I guess because it is the time to share how our day went and it's the one time of day that we're all together for more than a few minutes. Plus, it's the time where Logan is asleep and it's just the two of us.

Thankfully, there is the hope of another season in our lives! I have been doing an online program for Medical Transcription for awhile and I have set my goal to be finished by May! By that time, Logan will be 3 and old enough to go to preschool in the fall and we think it would be good for him. If I can get a job shortly after I finish my program, we will see if he can start going to school in the summer just to get him acclimated before the fall. That is the plan as of right now anyway. Who knows, maybe God has something else in mind, but even if our plan is not His plan, we will be okay. I do like my job. It just has it's drawbacks like any other job. I know I won't be there forever, but right now, it's where I am and I am doing my best at it and it can be a lot of fun. I like my coworkers and it's an easy job. I just wish my body would think it is as much fun as I do sometimes. Sorry for the rambling. I've never been that great of a writer.