Me, Myself and Lies

Here I am again, battling Satan for the thoughts in my head. He is doing everything he can to convince me that I am nothing to no one. It's been a really hard week. It seems rather heartbreaking that days after we are supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior that it can seem like it never happened. I have done a lot of grieving this week over a lot of things and it has just knocked me down over and over again. I guess it's that after Christmas depression that people talk about, but for me, it's something I deal with all year. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very hard on myself and don't view myself as a worth while or valuable person. I've dealt with it most of my life. It's an area that Satan has such a hold on that every time I try to give it to God it just doesn't sink in. When I do give my thoughts to God, I feel so on top of the world, but that only lasts for a day or two because then, something happens and I'm right back to my old ways. Yesterday, I hit rock bottom in this moment of Satan induced self-loathing and I had had enough.

So, I went to the book case in our room, trying to find anything to do with God that would give me a little encouragement. I came across this Bible study that I bought at another time such as this and decided to start diving into it again. This post is in no way an endorsement of said Bible study (which this post is titled after) because sometimes it is a little on the cheesy side, but I like the idea of it. It is basically telling women to take their thoughts and fill them up with God's. So, whenever we start to worry or get down on ourselves, we should change the course of those thoughts to what God tells us in His Word. Isn't that what we are supposed to do anyway? We are supposed to let God's Word fill up our hearts and lives. I know I need more than a Bible study to change the way I think. I need God to speak to me and maybe this is how it will finally break Satan's hold on me!

Ramblings

I don't really know where to start other than it's been a difficult few months for us. I'm still struggling just to find a good balance between wife, mother, and employee. I love being at home with Logan, but there are a lot of times I wish that were my only job again. A couple of days out of the week, I can barely function, let alone be really attentive to my little boy. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my job requires me to be on my feet a lot. It's been 4 months and my body still isn't handling the job very well. My dream job has always been a desk job, like a receptionist. It's not because I'm lazy, believe me, I'm not. It's just that I have always enjoyed those tasks that others would find boring. I like working on the computer, filing papers, making copies, just anything like that. I also don't like not being here at night with my husband. There is just something about being with my family at night that is so precious to me. I guess because it is the time to share how our day went and it's the one time of day that we're all together for more than a few minutes. Plus, it's the time where Logan is asleep and it's just the two of us.

Thankfully, there is the hope of another season in our lives! I have been doing an online program for Medical Transcription for awhile and I have set my goal to be finished by May! By that time, Logan will be 3 and old enough to go to preschool in the fall and we think it would be good for him. If I can get a job shortly after I finish my program, we will see if he can start going to school in the summer just to get him acclimated before the fall. That is the plan as of right now anyway. Who knows, maybe God has something else in mind, but even if our plan is not His plan, we will be okay. I do like my job. It just has it's drawbacks like any other job. I know I won't be there forever, but right now, it's where I am and I am doing my best at it and it can be a lot of fun. I like my coworkers and it's an easy job. I just wish my body would think it is as much fun as I do sometimes. Sorry for the rambling. I've never been that great of a writer.

Our New Home

Well, we moved a little over a week ago! We're still not done unpacking, mainly because we are taking the time to go through everything and deciding if we want or need to keep it or not. Despite the fact that there are still some boxes in every room, I love this apartment! I really can't explain it. It is just so cozy. Our living room just feels like the most comfortable living room we've ever had. This apartment is bigger than the house we just moved out of! The playground is just to the right of our building and Logan loves going out there! We also have really nice neighbors downstairs. The guy that lived there came out and offered to help us move some things when we were moving in and Mike has already had a couple of long conversations with him! This is really great because we have never really known our neighbors before. They have a little girl and boy that Logan has played with on the playground. I am just so thankful that God has provided this new place for us and I can't wait to see what He does while we are here!

Humbled

Last night at work, my first delivery was one that I get at least once a week. This week she ordered twice. On Wednesday, she didn't tip me. So, of course, sinful person that I am, I complained about her not tipping as soon as I saw who I was delivering to. Right away, I knew that I did not have an attitude that was pleasing to God. So, I asked for forgiveness and prayed that God would help me not to be mad at her or continue to think badly of her if she didn't tip this time. When I got to her apartment, she recognized me as the person who delivered to her the day before. She apologized most sincerely to me for not having a tip for me the day before and said that she only had enough cash for the sandwich and wouldn't be able to tip me today either. I felt so horrible as she was saying this because I had such a bad attitude about going there. Then she asked me when I worked again and I told her the days that I work, so, she said she would tip me extra next week when she ordered again. So humbling!

This was just another one of those lessons that you should never judge people too quickly. You have no idea what their circumstances are or how they are struggling. I mean, this is the second most important commandment, "Love your neighbor as yourself," and I did not love on that girl. What an Awesome way for God to show me that I need to get off of my high horse. I also love the fact that even though I was already aware of how sinful I was being and was dealing with it on the way, God said, "No, I still think you need to be taken down another notch or two for this to really sink in," and had me go through that conversation with this sweet girl. Thank you, Father, for these important lessons in humility!

Contentment

Church yesterday was a definite eye opener. It was all about being content. I am not a content person. I have known this about myself for quite awhile, but God really put things in a better perspective for me yesterday. Pastor Todd discussed 1 Timothy 6:2-21. This is mainly about being content with material things, something we all struggle with at times. We can seek contentment with just a little bit more, but this only leads to wanting even more. Given our financial situation I have definitely been learning how to be content with what we have. We don't really have the money for the extra things anymore and I'm actually kind of grateful for that right now. God is teaching us so much through this time! It's actually really cool! Todd made the statement that "Contentment is a present-tense issue. What we have is what God has provided." Being discontent with what we have is like telling God that He is not a good provider. Looking around our house, I see a lot of things we don't really "need." We don't need computers, DVD's, televisions, nice furniture, wall hangings, or even an electric washer and dryer. Yet, God has provided all of this for us. And frankly, that should be good enough. The point is being content with what we have right now, not constantly looking at what we want and don't have.

Todd also talked about the fact that we can still be content right now and still have ambition for the future. In fact, having ambition for the future is necessary. It gives us something to shoot for. It make us want to become better. The goal is to not let your ambitions make you discontent with where you are now. I think that has been my problem. Our calling and our goal is to work in Youth Ministry someday. Mike wants to be a youth pastor and I really want to lead a youth girls small group. That hasn't happened yet and it has been discouraging at times. I know we are not where we want to be and that is frustrating, but it shouldn't keep us from enjoying where we are now. It also shouldn't keep us from serving in other ways at our church where the opportunity to work with the youth is not there right now. God, please help us to be content and take advantage of where we are right now!

First Day of Autumn

Tomorrow is the first day of Autumn! Autumn is my favorite season! There's just something calming about it. It also represents change to me. I know there is change with every season, but I think I like the change Autumn brings the most. The leaves change colors and it starts to get a little colder outside. Autumn makes drinking hot beverages seem more magical and comforting somehow. It also reminds me of going to the mountains. It's the time of year that I always remember going to the mountains. There is just something so beautiful about the mountains in the Fall. I think it's just the time of year where I see God most in creation. I see Him all year, but I feel more connected to Him through nature in the Fall. I feel like we are going to have a lot of change this Fall and I can't wait. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for us! Hopefully, we'll get back to the mountains this year, but if we don't, there is enough beauty where we are to enjoy.

New Blog

I was starting to find it weird that everything on my old blog was basically about me. I then realized I wanted one that had to do with my family, so here it is. I wanted a fun little catch phrase that fit our name and this is what came to mind. It then reminded me of an old Steven Curtis Chapman song, one of my least favorites, might I add. However, I do like some of the lyrics, so I decided to use some in the title. Anyway, we'll see what comes of this.