Nothing Is Wasted

This week has been melt down after melt down with me. I don't know what is going on with me but, it's time to take the necessary steps to find out what it is. I'm dealing with a lot of emotions lately. I'm trying to figure out if what I'm going through is depression or if there is something more wrong with me. I've had people try to explain what depression looks like and I am still uncertain if that is what this is. I have never been depressed before so, it's hard for me to know if that is what I'm going through. I have been having a lot of physical problems that I don't understand. I am 32. I shouldn't be exhausted all the time to the point of feeling like I can't do anything. So, I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor to get a check-up. Please pray for me that I will take this step because I have been putting it off for awhile out of fear of what I might find out.

I have been reading about Joseph the past couple of weeks and how he suffered so much but, still had success in his life because he relied on God. I feel like this time in my life is the worst suffering I have ever had to endure and I really want to come to a place of relying on God because I know that I am going through this because He is going to use this for some purpose He has. I know that there is hope in my circumstance and I'm just ready to deal with what I need to deal with and move on. I have been reminded of a song lately that is really speaking to me and I know that out of all of this, "Beauty will rise."

Nothing Is Wasted

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope's a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine

Why I Left Facebook

I don't even know if there are people who read this unless they see a link on my Facebook page. So, it's possible that I'm writing this to thin air. A few weeks ago, I was astounded at some things I was seeing on Facebook that made me really angry. I will not go into it on here for the very reason I left Facebook. Reason  1: I often got really angry because of some things that I have had to deal with on there and I would just fall apart because of it. I would obsess about it for days and be really stressed out and fuming. So, my husband told me once again that he would advise me to leave Facebook. This time, I listened.

Reason 2: I feel like Facebook can cause a lot of disunity among friends and fellow Christians. I think people  have the idea that they can say whatever they want on Facebook and it doesn't matter if it hurts other people because they can't see them. There are a lot of people out there that I never see or talk to in person. I have no idea what their lives are like or really who they are anymore. I only get the piece of them that they put on Facebook and sometimes, though this doesn't included everyone, that piece makes me wonder what has happened to the person I knew. So, in order to keep from changing my view of people that I love, I left.

Reason 3: This is the biggest reason I left. We have been studying in my Bible study class about giving up personal gods. I realized that Facebook had become a god in my life. I was so addicted, I would check it several times every hour because I didn't want to miss anything. As I did this, I was neglecting responsibilities I have in my real life. I was also neglecting people that are right here in my world. I also think that, for me, Facebook was a cop-out of having to call people on the phone. I miss talking to people and hearing their voices. I want deeper relationships with people than Facebook could ever provide. I was spending more time on Facebook than I was with my son and that breaks my heart.

So, that is why I left. I'm not saying that Facebook is evil or anything but, I, personally, can't handle it right now. The funny thing is that I really don't miss it that much. I do miss seeing what people are up to but, I don't miss the need to constantly check it. God is doing a lot in my heart right now and I am so thankful that He finally got through to me about this.

The Dreaded Schedule

My life has changed somewhat dramatically over the last month. I went from being a part-time working mom to being a stay-at-home mom. I am actually busier now than I was when I had a paying job. Mainly, because I have the energy to be busier. I went back to being a stay-at-home mom because I was miserable with the way things were. I felt like I wasn't doing what God was calling me to do and this left me broken and empty. So, here I am, with a lot to do and a grateful heart that I have the time to do it. There's only one problem: I'm not getting it done.

I have never liked the idea of living by a schedule. I have always been someone who likes to see where the day will take me. The thing about that is that it helps me be a procrastinator and not get things done. So, I now find myself in a place where a schedule is vital. My list of things that I have to do every day/week is a little overwhelming to me right now. I am really trying to keep the house generally clean. I coupon to do my grocery shopping, which means, cutting, sorting, and planning every week (hey, it saves us money so that I can keep staying home). Tuesdays and Thursdays are crazy because on Tuesday, I have BSF leaders meeting in the morning and have to get Logan to school as soon as it's over. Thursday is BSF class day where I am a children's leader and have to get Logan to school right after (rush, rush, rush). I have to do little lesson plans for BSF and get my own Bible study done for BSF. I have to start working out more, which means trips to the gym. I have school work to do to become a medical transcriptionist. Somewhere in there I actually have to be a mom, wife, family member, and friend. I also enjoy reading and cross-stitching. 

So, it is very clear to me that I need a schedule. I am not complaining about how much I have to do. I love the fact that I am responsible for this much stuff! God has blessed me with some wonderful opportunities and I want to do well with them! Sorry if this post has been a little tedious to get through. Thanks for sticking with me! Bring on a life of more structure!

Monday Melodies

This is an attempt to have some type of schedule in my blogging and to reclaim my lifelong love of music. So, every Monday I will post the lyrics to a song that has a special place in my heart. I have recently discovered a group called All Sons & Daughters. I love them and there is one song that has been sticking with me the last few days. I'll just let this one speak for itself.

Brokenness Aside

Will Your grace run out
If I let You down
Cause all I know
Is how to run

Cause I am a sinner
If it's not one thing
It's another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Will You call me child
When I tell You lies
Cause all I know
Is how to cry

Cause I am a sinner
If it's not one thing
It's another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful

Hope For A New Year

As I have been looking back on 2012, I realize that I haven't met all of my goals that I wanted to. In all honesty, I think I only accomplished a couple of them. The fact that I didn't do everything I wanted is kind of heart breaking. All of the goals I made were things that I had to make an effort to do. I thought I was the one who controlled whether or not I got them done. For the most part, that was true. However, I had to give up on two of my goals for physical reasons. I really wanted to learn to run and run in a 5K. Not long after I started running, I got a knee injury while at work. I had to go through physical therapy and I was really looking forward to running again. At the end of my therapy, I asked my physical therapist if I was okay to run. His response was, "Well, I'm not going to tell you you can't run, but I would not recommend it. You have so much damage in both of your knees that another injury would be really bad." This was actually pretty hard to hear but, thinking about what could happen to me if I got injured again was harder. So, I don't run anymore. Most of my other goals, I just didn't do because I didn't feel I had the energy. For some reason, I have just felt physically run down this year where I could barley fold laundry without feeling like I needed a nap afterward. So, this year, I have more goals to accomplish but, I will not put pressure on myself to where I feel like a complete failure. God was with me last year through everything and He will be with me again this year. I have a promise that no matter what happens this year, He will be right beside me!

My Goals for 2013

1) Start a journal and write in it everyday even if nothing all that exciting happens. (I have a horrible memory and I would like to be able to look back and remember my life)

2)Play clarinet again. (One of my Christmas presents from my husband is to get me a new one!)

3)Read at least 30 books that I have not read before.

4)Buy a house.

5)Have an office job or work from home by the time Logan is in school full-time in the Fall.

6)Fly somewhere. Preferably outside of North America.

This is all I have so far. I may add to it and I may take away from it depending on where God leads so, we'll see!

The Church We Thought We Wanted

I came across an article today that really made me think about something I have been struggling with for awhile now. It was about the way we give people, mainly youth in the article, what they want in the church rather than what they need. We have come up with this idea of a seeker-sensitive church to   make church look more appealing to those who might not otherwise go. In other words, we make the Church look just enough like the world so people will want to come. In the article he says, we make worship look like a rock concert, the sermon is like a comedy club, and the foyer is like a coffee house.

Mike and I have struggled with wanting to go to church for awhile now and it just makes me sad. Quite frankly, my Thursday morning BSF class has taken the place of Sunday church for me. It's real, it's personal, and God is completely at the center of it. Lately, I have been longing for a small, personal church, that loves Jesus and people. Mike has often said in the past that when he sees a small church, he asks the question, "What is wrong with this church that people aren't going?" He prefers a bigger church that is seeker-sensitive. In this day and age, the question I am asking is, "What are the small churches doing right?" I am just honestly tired of the big, impersonal, churches where it's impossible to meet everyone and feel like a real community because there are so many people. I am probably like this because I grew up in small churches and I knew everyone and there was definite community. We did everything together. I just miss that and I haven't really had that kind of church community since I left home to go to college. 11 years is a long time to feel like an outsider everywhere you go. I try to get involved, somehow, in every church I have gone to but, I still feel like an outsider. There haven't been connections where I have a relationship with someone outside of church activities. I really miss connecting with people.

I'm not saying that big, seeker churches are bad. They can be great and there can be real community in them. I just want to find a church, big or small, where Jesus is the focus and not the methods we use to lure people in.

Here is the article I mentioned:  http://thegospelside.com/2012/09/23/whats-so-uncool-about-cool-churches/

To Change, Not To Finish

I have recently been thinking a lot about something Jeremy Kingsley said at church many weeks ago. He said, "We don't read the Bible to finish. We read the Bible to change." If we read the Bible and it's not changing us, then what are we doing. This has been on my mind because I have always wanted to read the Bible in one year. I felt like if I couldn't do that, then I wasn't really "in the Word". I have tried reading the Bible from beginning to end, but I start to get a little bored reading from the same book of the Bible every day. So, this summer, I started a reading plan that I really like. It is four readings a day from four different books a day. This is perfect for me because I like to read different things at the same time. However, I was starting to realize that by the time I hit the fourth reading of the day, I had no idea what I had read in the previous passages. I'm not saying that God hasn't changed me at all through the reading of His Word but, it's difficult to meditate on what He is doing in me if I'm reading several different passages a day.

So, I started thinking, "who cares if I don't read the Bible in a year?" Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to do this? If the point of reading the Bible is for God to change us, do we really need a time table that might put so much pressure on us that we feel like utter failures if we can't do it? I think not! So, I have started reading just one of the four passages a day from my reading plan. This way I can meditate on it much better and focus on what God is trying to teach me from that passage. Also, I still get the variety of passages that I like to have.

My point is not to condemn reading the Bible in a year. It may work for you and may keep your focus where it should be. For me, I get so wrapped up in the schedule of it all, that I can easily forget why I am doing it in the first place. I am so grateful for this "new" perspective! God is changing me and that is the whole point! So, I encourage you to read the Bible to change, not just to finish!